So I went to this anime/gaming convention. I enter a tournament. Could’ve been for DOA, for Killer Instinct, could’ve been Pokemon Snap. Not gonna say the name of the game. Cause y’all a bunch a ninjas. And I need to keep some people a-no-na-nymous. Do you know how stressful it is to compete at these gaming tournaments? It’s $1000 in getting a hotel and air plane tickets. And leading up to this tournament, I’m practising 8 hours a day, you’re practising 8 hours a day. We’re both gonna get up on that stage and one of us is going to get imbursed. And lose. Day of the tournament. I wake up, tournament starts at 11. Look at my phone. It’s 10:48. I’M LATE! I get to the venue, find where the tournament’s at, as SOON as I get there, they’re like “Swoozie VS random person you have to play.” Sit down, cold. No practice. No warm up. No nothing. Play my first match. Win. Play some more, I keep winning. Then I hear admin go “OK.” “Now we’re playing for Top 32.” I’m like oh SNAP! Let’s go! Play a few more games then hear admin say “OK.” “Now we’re playing for Top 8.” In most tournaments, you only get payed if you place Top 3. And if you come 3rd, you get $1000 maybe $1500. So you BREAK EVEN if you come in 3rd. You only really get into the green if you come 1st or maybe 2nd, depending on the pot. Play, play, play. Admin looks at the clipboard and says “OK.” “Now we’re playing for Top 3.” I’mma ’bout to main it rain on ALL OF Y’ALL! Play my first match in Top 3. Lose. Get sent into Losers bracket. Play my first match in Loser’s bracket and lose, by THIS MUCH. So I’m out of the tournament, I’m in 3rd place. Now I can just kick back and relax. And just have fun at the rest of the convention. Some of y’all know, it’s all about the after party. I started texting all my friends to see which one’ll be the hottest one. My boy tells me: “So-and-so is throwing a sick party tonight, just come up to the front, we’ll let you in.” BOP! I uber over. They let me right in. I walk up in that club like: Ayyyyyyy! I came in 3rd! I’m poppin’ bottles with models! Top 3 for me in this tournament, was a huge accomplishment cause I was travelling all month. So I really didn’t get to practice that much for this tournament, and I still came in Top 3. Stress is GONE! You know you’re at a good party when it’s COMPLETELY open bar. You don’t gotta pay for NOTHIN. I don’t drink that often. Buuuuut…. I walkover and have one quick shot. So I go over, take my shot. Gonna encourage all you guys. If you ever drink, know your limits. So I take that shot. 10 mins later, I don’t feel a thing. I’m like Yo! I won this tournament! I’m tryna’ get TURNT right now! Well I didn’t win the tournament, but y’know. 3rd… pretty close to 1st. So I go back to the bar, get another shot. Don’t feel nothin. Shot #3. Don’t feel nothin. Gonna take one more shot, then I’m done. These guys are obviously watering these things down, I’m not… No. 10 minutes after shot #4, The room… starts doing… THIS. And I start getting REAL scared. ‘Cause I’ve never experienced that before. And then it dawns upon me. I woke up and went to this tournament… and I didn’t eat BREAKFAST. LUNCH. OR DINNER. Absoluta mente nada. Then out of the blue I hear this voice “Swoozie!” And I turn around, and it’s Syndicate. I’ve never this dude before, but I’ve seen him on YouTube. He’s awesome. “Swoozie! I love you. Oh my gosh your videos! You’re awesome!” I have to act like I’m not some sloppy, ratchet girl right now. I lean up agaisnt this pillar, tryin to act cool like “Bro! Huh.” “I love you! I love… I love you!” I feel myself just doing this. It’s not a good situation. I look across the way, and I make eyes with this girl I know. I’m just giving her like this empty stare. Like… *Click* She catches it instantly! She’s like a shark, cutting right through the crowd. She walks right up to me and was like: “Hey Swoozie.” She can see that I’m clearly in bad shape. Even though I’m trying really hard. Then she’s leans over and whispers in my ear and she goes: “Do you wanna get outta here?” I lean my head back, and I go to nod yes. I do the nod and when my head comes up, I’m in the Uber. I INSTANTLY start panicking. I’m getting scared because this girl weighs 116 pounds soaking wet. There is NO WAY she carried me. So that only means… I walked. Out of the club, to the street, into this car, sat down, with ZERO recollection of it. I’m FREAKING out! I look over at the girl. Let’s call her… Esmerelda. I look over at Esmerelda and I’m like: “Esmerelda? I. Need. Food. Like right now!” Then I go to look out the window. And as my head turns, I’m suddenly in an elevator. I’m TELEPORTING now! In the back of my head I’m like: Maybe if I start thinking about a bank hard enough, I can teleport into a bank vault. Maybe when I drink, I turn into a superhero. I don’t know. On the real, I am really scared, so I look back at Esmerelda and I’m like: “Um, I’m teleporting all over the place.” “I’m on some Hayden Christensen jumper stuff right now.” “I need food! Now!” I remember everything goes black at this point. And when I come to, I’m in my bed. With my hands above my head, and my shirt is coming off. I blink again, pants are off. I’m jump-cutting through life. SpongeBob tighty-wighties are in full effect. A little part of me is thinking: You know, maybe she’s just gonna tuck me in. This is very nice of her. And I instantly get scared for a few reasons. #1. I’m in this bed, being undressed by this girl. I haven’t had sex yet. This might be my first time, and I’m not… consenting. #2. I’m teleporting like Nightcrawler right now. This might happen, and I might not even remember my first time. And there’s a minor detail I haven’t told you guys yet. This girl has a boyfriend. Soooo that’s also a thing. So at this point I start swinging at her like “Esmerelda, no.”
I’m so sloppy. She’s starts for my undies. She’s taking them off and she turns, and I’m basically just slapping her back. Guys. If you’re ever in a situation like this and you start hearing the N* word? YOU SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN. I don’t care. Guy, girl, whatever. NO. She doesn’t get my underwear completely off. She gets them down to my knees and I spread my legs. However comma, Oscar…. is present. That’s all she needed. She jumps on reverse cowgirl style, she’s wearing a dress. I see her adjusting. And then she starts lowering herself down to Candy Land. And then all of a sudden I hear: PUM PUM PUM PUM PUM And she jumps off. Everything goes black. I don’t remember anything that happens after that. I wake up the next morning. I look over at Esmerelda and she’s there smoking, reading the Fifty Shades of Grey. Like it’s another day for her. I just yell like I’m a maniac “DID WE HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT!?” And she just gave me this look, like she didn’t like my tone. So I thought ‘If I want her to tell me the truth, let me try to be nice’. So I was like: “I mean, if we DID have sex, it’s totally cool. I just need to know so I can add you to the list of all the other girls I hooked up with last night.” She was like “No.” “I ordered room service.” “They came. I fed you.” “You went to sleep. That was the end of it.” “Nothing happened.” “How did you know what hotel I was staying at?” “You told me, and then you handed me your room key.” “You had your room key in the sleeve, and the sleeve had the room number written on it.” For a long time, I didn’t understand the statistic about most sexual assaults happening with people you know. But now, I totally get it. I’m sure there are a few fellows out there watching like: “Swoozie, you’re so gay.” “Do you know what I would’ve done in that situation?” If that was YOUR girl up in the hotel room with me, what would want me to do? So guys, if you’re out and about, and alcohol’s in the equation. Please drink responsibly. I barely drank, and this happened to me! Make sure you eat that day. And as sad as this is, the reality of the situation is some of the people we keep closest to us don’t always have our best interests in mind.