♫ He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd! ♫ The 90’s was arguably one of the best times for video games. You had so many new consoles coming out, and with junk food being popular and already advertising to kids, they decided to jump on the bandwagon and start makin’ their own video games. Most food companies just stuck to TV commercials: Got Milk, Fruit Stripe gum, Lunchables, and of course, Mentos — the Freshmaker. Those companies didn’t have to make video games, but guess who did? Cheetos, McDonald’s, and Domino’s Pizza, who created… Yo! Noid. What’s the deal with the Noid?! What kind of drugged-up fever dream spawned this mutilated mascot monstrosity?! It’s a creepy guy wearin’ a red rabbit suit! And why does he ruin pizzas? What were they thinking?! Most junk food games were just a buncha business bullshit from the wasted imaginations from all the corporate fat cats! So, get out your pooper-scooper, and let’s dig out this piss litter of a game! Woah! NERD: What the fuck?! You scared the shit out of me. Not this shit, actual shit. Listen, I gotta play this game, you gotta get outta here. [screams] [PSHAAA!] Huh… what?! “Drink”? How do you play Drink? What kind of title is that? The back is in Japanese… and the side has the title in Japanese, and then the other side has it in English. “Pepsiman”. Pepsiman! [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] Pepsiman! [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] Okay, so Pepsiman is this weird, T-1000 lookin’ Japanese Pepsi mascot who helps people by magically turning things into Pepsi. In all his TV commercials, he’s a bumbling idiot who stumbles around, smashes into windows and transforms into… a cactus? Even though he was only marketed in Japan, all his commercials take place in the USA. He even starred in his own video game, and was also featured as an unlockable character in the Japanese version of Fighting Vipers for the Sega Saturn. To unlock him, all you gotta do is lose the first fight. Never seen that before! You lose to unlock a character? Well, thanks Pepsiman. That’s very interesting, but I have other junk food games I could play, like Cool Spot! [PSHAAA!] Ugh, come on! Oh well, I could always play Chester Cheetah! [PSHAAA!] Ugh! Well, how about… Big Bumpin’? [PSHAAA!] Ugh, man… how about… Kool-Aid Man? [PSHAAA!] God damn it, you silly fuck! I don’t want to play Pepsiman! [hisses menacingly] Okay, geez! I’ll play Pepsiman. [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] Well, in the chance that you were lookin’ forward to Cool Spot or Yo! Noid, can’t play ’em, because they’re all Pepsiman now. Everything I want to play is Pepsiman. Yeah. Well, I guess let’s pop this corporate cock fuck in. NERD: The intro starts with this live action cutscene of a guy buying a Pepsi. As he drinks it, you hear the shrill shriek of Pepsiman set to surf music. [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] And then he stares into the can. Okay, so is… Pepsiman… in the can now? I- I don’t even get it, I mean, th- this is fuckin’ stupid, I’m not playing- [hisses menacingly] Okay, okay! I’ll play it! I’ll play it. Next we see Pepsiman running down a street to nowhere, as he crashes face-first into the game’s logo. The hell’s wrong with this mascot? Chester Cheetah was cool, Cool Spot had “cool” in his name, but Pepsiman? He’s not cool at all! He doesn’t make me want to drink a Pepsi! Makes me want to drink a fuckin’ beer! [PSHAAA!] What?! I said… it makes me want to drink a fuckin’ beer! [PSHAAA!] Oh, come on! Alright… [PSHAAA!] [scoffs] NERD: Wow, that’s a lot of Pepsi. I bet his bowel movements are like tar and colon foam. “Hey, let’s start the game!” So, the first level starts off with Pepsiman meeting a truck driver with a flat tire. “There are a bunch of people gathered in front of the vending machine! They want Pepsi!” “And the word is that they’re just about to riot!” NERD: Really? They’ll riot? Why is Pepsi such a big deal here? Is that one vending machine the only place to get a Pepsi in this town? I mean, there’s Pepsi… everywhere, it’s laying all over the streets! You can get one anywhere! So, Pepsiman runs around, collecting Pepsi while dodging cars, pedestrians, pogo jackhammer fucks, chuds, and this garbage man who’s being an asshole! Look, they wait for him at the intersection, and then start launching garbage out the truck! Dicks! Pepsiman doesn’t give any shits either. He’ll run right through your house. Hell, he’ll even run right into you, and send you flyin’ through your kitchen wall! That guy’s probably dead. This part reminds me of the chase scene in Raising Arizona, but instead of Nicolas Cage, it’s Pepsiman, and instead of Huggies, it’s Pepsis. Here, you crash through a shed and end up with a trash can on your head, which makes your controls opposite. Yeah… Finally, I get to the end of the level, and he buys a Pepsi from a vending machine. Why don’t the people go to this one at the Kid & Kids store instead of rioting like a bunch of Pepsi-crazed freaks? And why does Pepsiman buy a Pepsi when he just collected 94 Pepsis? And why can’t I go one goddamn sentence without saying Pepsi?! Mm-hmm, that’s enough for me, this game’s too monotonous. Oh… augh! [Pepsiman hisses]
Oh, dude, dude, your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! [Pepsiman screams] Wow… Um… That worked… thanks to Mentos! ANNOUNCER: Mentos! The Freshmaker! NERD: [sigh] Well, fuck it. I’ll just keep goin’. So in level 2, there’s this radical skateboard part. It sucks. The controls feel stiff, and one hit kills you. I guess it makes sense. If you were riding a skateboard down the hills and crashed into a trolley, you’d be dead. Now a moving company is trying to kill Pepsiman, too?! They’re just drivin’ with the truck wide open, launching furniture at ‘im! That’s someone’s furniture! Imagine if you hire a moving company to load up all your furniture, and you get to the new house, and then it arrives… the van is empty, and you’re like “Hey, where the hell’s all my furniture?” And they say “Oh yeah, yeah, we saw Pepsiman on the way over” “and, uh, we had to just chuck it all at ’em. Yeah.” “That’ll be $500.” So finally, you make it to the rioters who are goin’ apeshit by this Pepsi machine. This one’s at a different Kid & Kids store, and this one lady’s biting her shirt or something, and this guy’s jackin’ off! Pepsiman gives them Pepsi, and all is well! [crowd cheers] That is, until the Pepsi truck smashes into you, sending you into a Pepsi billboard with a giant Pepsi can that rolls after you, Indiana Jones style. Now I’m being chased. Yeah, this time I’m running towards the camera instead of away. Way to shake up the gameplay there. I hate this! I wish I had something wittier to say, but there’s really nothing, I mean, this game is just mindless… brain waste, It’s- it’s- it’s an advertisement that’s meant to push processed poison pissed outta Pepsiman’s pee hole! [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] NERD: Speak of the devil, you’re back.
[♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] What’s that you got there? NERD: That’s not Pepsi, that’s… a Rolling Rock! An actual Rolling Rock! Y’know what, Pepsiman’s actually pretty cool. Cheers, buddy! This isn’t Rolling Rock… It’s- it’s not even beer! This is Crystal Pepsi! And it’s old, and- what is this, from the 90’s? It’s all flat! Y’know what, fuck you, you’re shit and your game is shit! [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] “Have a Pepsi!” NERD: No thanks. “Next stage!” So the next part, you gotta get to the top of a burning building. The firefighter can’t get first aid to them in time, so of course, you bring them Pepsi! Oh yeah, I’m sure that’ll help all the people trapped on the roof of a burning fuckin’ building! Yeah! Treat their burns with some Pepsi! Thanks to Pepsiman! [pitched down]
[♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] NERD: This level is horrifying. It’s like society’s final days, brought to you by Pepsi. This guy here smashes his car into a brick wall and explodes, but Pepsiman just runs by. [mockingly]
“That guy’s probably dead, but I gotta get those people Pepsi!” So after traversing this urban hellscape, you get to this truck that keeps launching barrels. Yeah, I guess Donkey Kong’s in there, and he hates Pepsiman as much as I do! After that, you get to the most unsafe construction zone ever. Girders are falling apart, sections of the bridge are missing, these guys are just swingin’ metal beams, and the bulldozers are just spinning around! What’s happening here? Pepsiman stops to buy yet another Pepsi and falls into one of my most hated video game cliches ever: The sewer level. This is where the shit graphics really shine. It’s so dark that you can’t see where you’re goin’! There’s pitfalls everywhere, and the only reason I know they’re there is because I fell into them, 50 times. I feel like it’d be easier in real life to run through a sewer and collect Pepsi! Right here, I swear you have no choice but to get hurt by this wall. There’s no way to pass it, and even when you do, there’s a narrow path you need to hit, or else you’re startin’ over. Another part that’s bullshit is the subway section. I don’t know what to do! There’s a train comin’ right at you with no time to avoid. I tried dodging it, but I get killed every time. Then, after restarting the level like 12 times, I accidentally found… the Dash function. Yeaaah. Hitting Up and Square lets Pepsiman dash. How was I supposed to know that?! On the control screen, it only shows Slide and Jump. Maybe it says it in the book, but… it’s all Japanese! At the rate I’m going, I’ll probably learn Japanese before I finish this game. [phone ringing] Who’s callin’? Oh- oh c’mon, c’mon, nobody’s callin’ you! Hello? PHONE: Hello, is Pepsiman there? NERD: Oh, I guess it is for you. PHONE: No no no, don’t give him the phone! You need to listen to me very carefully! You need to get out of there! Pepsiman is evil, he wants nothing more– [PSHAAA!] Oh, c’mon, don’t you know how hard it is to find a good phone like this?! [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] So finally, I reach the burning building and give the poor stranded people some Pepsi. Then I get chased by the truck from the Enter Sandman music video. It’s basically the same as the giant Pepsi can from the first level, just a bit harder. Eventually, Pepsiman turns down the road as the truck smashes through a building. It seems like no one in this world has value for human life, just motherfuckin’ Pepsi! Look at that! The truck smashes into something, and Pepsiman pays no mind and just keeps on running like Forrest Gump. [TV Game Guy laughs maniacally] “Pepsi for TV game!” [keeps laughing] NERD: Not “video game”, “TV game”? Er- it makes sense! Yeah! From now on, I’m the Angry TV Game Nerd. Here we go, on to the next disaster that requires Pepsi. This time, it’s a motherfuckin’ plane crash. Geez, there’s lots of tragedy in this game Thankfully all the people are okay, but they need their Pepsi, god damn it! So, you guessed it, more running. It’s the same thing over and over! This time you’re goin’ down a highway with traffic comin’ on both sides. Which begs the question: Why doesn’t Pepsiman just run on the side of the road? There’s trucks, motorcycles, buffalo, and a bunch of rocks rolling. But no Rolling Rocks. You get to the end and Pepsiman, once again, buys a Pepsi at a vending machine. Y’know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody… except himself. [pitched down]
[♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] This next stage is a nightmare! After beating the desert, you run through the mine where you can’t see shit! How’s anyone supposed to play this? There’s pits everywhere, but good luck seeing ’em! It doesn’t help that if you get a Game Over, you have to run through the desert part again. You’re gonna be here for a bit. Each time I get a little further, and then die at whatever came next. This part is like really having to piss, and knowing the next rest stop isn’t for 200 miles. So about an hour later, when I happen to do less shitty enough, I finally deliver those poor plane crash victims their Pepsi. [crowd cheers] And, of course, another chase level. This time, I want you to guess who chases Pepsiman, because it makes no sense. Is it buffalo? Nope, nice try. Motorcycles? Keep guessing! Rolling rocks? No again! This time you get chased… by a giant, tumbling mass of logs. “Pepsi for pizza!” NERD: Pepsi for pizza? Yeah, actually, a pizza would be pretty good right about– Oh, thanks! [PSHAAA!] Ugh… I hate you. [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫] Okay, so thankfully we’re on to the final level, Pepsi City, a dystopian urban sprawl that should pose as a warning of rampant consumerism. It’s a place that’s completely comprised of advertisements. Imagine if Roddy Piper wore the sunglasses from They Live here. His head would explode! Honestly, seeing all these Pepsi logos and playing this game is doing the exact opposite of making me want a Pepsi. It makes me want not a Pepsi! So this time the computer at the Pepsi factory’s gone haywire, and without Pepsiman’s help, there’ll be a world shortage of Pepsi. So Pepsiman must run! You’re gonna die here, a fuck ton of times. This is a culmination of all the frustrating bullshit, and then some. This has to be the most unhealthy city in the world. It’s no wonder people are keeled over on the side of the street. How about drink some water? That might help. One thing I don’t understand is why every sign in this game falls off when Pepsiman gets near it. Are the signs sentient creatures bent on inconveniencing Pepsiman? Everything is so precise for such a piece-of-shit game. It took me the same amount of time to beat the stage than every other stage combined. I Game Overed 13 times. Each continue, you get four lives, plus I died three more times before I finally passed it. Maybe I just suck, maybe the game sucks, maybe we both suck, but either way, that’s too much suckage goin’ around! This last section, you can’t hit anything or you’re dead, and you only have a few seconds to do it! But finally, I made it to the computer core, and the world can have their precious Pepsis! [PSHAAA!] [computer whirs to life] [cheering] Onward to the last chase level. This time, it’s another giant Pepsi can that falls off two columns Seriously, Pepsi City, and the rest of the world for that matter, needs to find a decent structural engineer. Everything’s falling apart! This time the can just falls for no reason! What if a regular person happened to walk under this thing? There’d be lawsuits out the ass. This last level is like the log one, except it’s a Pepsi can that gives birth to baby Pepsi cans that try to trip you. When you beat it, the TV Game Guy flips his shit, the credits roll, and then he has to piss because of the ungodly amount of Pepsi he’s consumed. “‘scuse me…” Beating it unlocks Classic Pepsiman and free play mode, If you wanna play through and collect all the Pepsis. I say however, fuck that, good riddance, the end! Well, that’s Pepsiman. I’m not gonna play it again as Classic Pepsiman, or unlock other bullshit or whatever, so I’m done! Get the hell outta here! [Pepsiman roars] Oh… I finally found you! Oh come on, how do these assholes keep gettin’ in here?! Wait a minute… Do I know you? “Pepsi for TV game!” Oh… [stammering] Y-Y-You’re the Pepsi TV Game Guy! Hey, why do you say “TV game” instead of “video game”? There’s no time to explain that now! I’m here to finally destroy that menace… Pepsiman! [Pepsiman roars] Ha! [Pepsiman screams] That’s right, bitch! Back it off! Okay, I bought us some time. Pepsiman has to be stopped! TVGG: He’s pure evil! And he’ll stop at nothing, until the entire universe… is Pepsi. That’s very interesting… like I give a shit! Though, can we talk about this TV game thing? Don’t you get it?! He will stop at nothing, and take away everything you love, everything you cherish and care about… and turn it into Pepsi! He gets you hooked, and slowly destroys your life. TVGG: There was a time when my refrigerator was jam-packed with wholesome, nutritious foods! Lettuce… almond milk… tofu-flavored tofu! And that was all taken away… and turned into Pepsi. He turned my dog into Pepsi! And you remember all those cans strewn about the living room?! some of those aluminum cans… were my wife… and my children! I had to sell… the scrap… from my can family, just to pay for their funeral, He broke me! He destroyed me! TVGG: He ruined me. Yeah, I understand. He… turned my beer into Pepsi. You gotta help me, Nerd! You gotta help me! Help me avenge my family! Okay… well, how do we stop him? TVGG: I’m glad you asked. I’ve been working on a secret weapon for two decades, and I’ve hidden it in the one place he’d never look. – Behind you!
– You hid it behind me? Wh– NOO! [PSHAAA!] The TV Guy! You saved me! Are you okay, man? [groaning] Does it look like I’m okay?! [screams in terror] I’m turning into Pepsi!! TVGG: Run! Nerd! Get to the factory! Go! The factory? [PSHAAA!] Factory, factory… Of course! This factory! [Pepsiman hisses] Oh… oh… what am I gonna do? Oh… O- of course! The Freshmaker! Well, I’m fuckin’ dead. ???: Nerd! [Pepsiman roars] Holy shit! [sigh] I need a vacation. Well, that explains the t-shirt. Is he dead? Bah, that’s orange soda. You ever mix cola and orange soda? Germans love it. They call it… Spezi. It’s disgusting. He’s terminated. [sigh] It’s over. No… not yet. There’s still one more Pepsiman remaining. Really? And it must be destroyed also. Oh, um… Can you at least tell me what that “Pepsi for TV game” thing means? Actually, I don’t remember any of that. My brain is literally just chunks of Pepsi now. Here. Use these chains to lower me down into the orange soda, so I can die a real… cinematic like death. The death I deserve. A hero… Nyeh. [screams] You asshooooooole! Pepsi for funerals. [♫ PEPSIMAAAN! ♫]