Hong Kong 97 – Angry Video Game Nerd – Episode 134


♪ [Angry Video Game Nerd theme song] ♪ ♪ He’s gonna take you back to the past ♪ ♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass ♪ ♪ He’d rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪ ♪ He’d rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer ♪ ♪ He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard ♪ ♪ He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪ ♪ He’s the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪ ♪ He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪ I’ve been called upon to take care of business once again Apparently, there is a game worse than Big Rigs Worse than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Worse than Crazybus or Desert Bus! It is known as Hong Kong 97 and I’ve been getting requests for it up the ass The requests are SO FAR up the ass, it’s time to shit ’em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan but never saw its way to the rest of the world This is one title that we DEFINITELY didn’t get on the Super Nintendo It was made by HappySoft HappySoft was most famous for making… Hong Kong 97, their one and only masterpiece. On this one occasion… they rose from the depths of hell EXCRETED this unholy turd onto the Earth and then descended back to where they came! Supposedly, the game was SO horrible it barely even came out on the Super Famicom at ALL! Stores rejected it, and its release status is a mystery It’s SO rare, that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all! I can’t even find a PICTURE of one! So the only way I can experience this game… is the same way as the rest of the internet ♪ [the first couple lyrics of “I Love Beijing Tiananmen” playing on an endless loop] ♪ Nooooooooo! No way! [chuckling] How do you like THAT soundtrack? THAT won’t get annoying at all! I’ve heard games with five-second music loops before, but… not with LYRICS! There’s options for three different languages Strange, considering how the game didn’t travel very far… at least not until the internet got a hold of it Alright, I’m picking English. “We will sell your original SNES games. ⅓ of the gross profit will be yours” “We welcome games of any kind” Oh, I bet! “So please send us your floppy” Hee-hee, “send us your floppy”… “Would you like to sell our products at your store? We’re looking for dealers worldwide”– Enough already!! How desperate could they be to sell this game? And I guess still nobody bought it because nobody can find a physical copy! Then finally, the title screen appears [starts laughing] Jackie Chan?!? Apparently Jackie Chan is in the game! Who I doubt gave any consent to HappySoft, or was even AWARE of it! The image is stolen from the film Wheels on Meals! The game was released, uh, made, or at least copyrighted in 1995 but set in the future! …of 1997 “The year 1997 has arrived. A herd of…” This can’t be real. No! NO! Somebody’s pulling my leg! “A herd of fucking ugly reds”?!?!?! Was “a herd of ugly reds” too weak? Did they really need the F-word to fucking drive home the fucking point?! This was before cursing in games was common. I remember how shocked I was when I first played Rambo on NES and saw the word “hell” But here, they dropped the F-bomb!! They did it! A game made for the Super Famicom! It’s the closest you’d ever get to a Super Nintendo game that says “fuck”! ♪ [“I Love Beijing Tiananmen” still playing] ♪ …and the music is still going ♪ ♪ ♪ “A herd of fucking ugly reds.” Period. “Are rushing from the mainland” “Crime rate skyrocketed! Hong Kong is ruined!” “Therefore, The Hong Kong government called Bruce Lee’s relative: ‘Chin'” Bruce Lee’s relative. Just HAPPENS to be as skilled as Bruce Lee. Not a brother, a son, or even a cousin, just some unspecified relative Doesn’t make any sense! Like, if you were related to… I don’t know, Michael Jordan, would that mean that you’re automatically good at basketball? Okay, so Bruce Lee is in the background, the guy at the podium is Chris Patten – former Governor of Hong Kong and over there is Jackie Chan. Which one is “Chin”? “for the massacre of the reds. Chin is a killer machine.” That’s Chin?!?! [starts cracking up] [laughing] Is Jackie Chan playing Bruce Lee’s relative?! Ohhhh, Chin! What a name! Could it be any more common?? Ohhhh, “Wipe out all 1.2 billion of the red comm—” [breaks down laughing] Stop! I can’t– I can’t take it anymore! I haven’t even seen the game yet! [inhale] Ohhhh-ho-ho-ho! Ohh! “Wipe out 1.2 billion—” [even more laughter] And if I’m not mistaken, in 1995, that would have been THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF CHINA!!! Bruce Lee’s relative is SO powerful, he’s the equivalent of a thousand nukes!! He’s going to murder the entire population of China by breaking their necks! Even when Bruce Lee would take down 20 people, it took him a little bit of time but now comes Chin! You don’t FUCK with Chin! “However, in Mainland China, there was a secret project in progress” “A project to tra– tra– to transform the DECEASED TONG SHAU PING into an ultimate”— [cracking up uncontrollably] It’s killing me! [exhales] So apparently, for the character of Tong Shau Ping, they used an ACTUAL IMAGE of a real Chinese leader: Deng Xiaoping! Spelled differently, but pronounced very similar When the game was made, this guy was still alive! Could they have at least had the courtesy to wait for him to die before transforming him into an ultimate weapon?! This is the most epic, absurd opening to any video game I’ve ever seen! Nothing compares! That’d be like if I made a game called New York 2017 “Motherfucking demons from the Planet Jupiter have arrived through the Manhattan portal” “The leader of…
United States called upon Master Joe,.” “John Wayne’s half-cousin Stepson to annihilate the 2.5 octodecillion Alien scum of the universe.” “However, on Jupiter’s secret moon, a master plan is conceived to resurrect” “the astro-demonoid Dill Clyntin into a Mecha-Doomsday machine!” Now that I’ve digested all that, let’s play the game ♪ [“I Love Beijing Tiananmen” resumes playing] ♪ One hit, and the game’s over. Why would I expect anything more? NO. Oh, please. I hope that’s not a real dead body. NO. Th-there’s no way they’d have such bad taste That’s got to be an actor… or……. We’re looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992. Oh, this couldn’t get the Nintendo endorsement? I’m so shocked that this didn’t come out on Super Nintendo! Every time you die, it resets the whole game. You have to go through the whole introduction again This is almost as tedious as Castlevania: Symphony of the Night Great game, but you have to wait through a long, drawn-out game over screen just to get back to the title screen, select your file, and load the game all over again That is some fucking bullshit! But THIS is a game that isn’t even good! Not even close! And no, the song never stops ♪ [“I Love Beijing Tiananmen” not stopping] ♪ No sound effects either; just that same loop. Even when the game restarts, it doesn’t interrupt it. The song never needs to reboot! ♪ [“I Love Beijing Tiananmen” STILL playing] ♪ It’s quite impressive actually! Nothing can stop that loop! You’ll be hearing that in your dreams! ♪ [“I Love Beijing Tiananmen” will never end!] ♪ So let’s talk about what’s happening here. Obviously, it’s a 2D shooter Nothing more to say. What you see is what you get Chin’s only method of attack is throwing projectiles because if you’re related to Bruce Lee, that means you can shoot white balls! This guy is so good, he does it all with his back turned! Everybody he hits, they don’t just die, they burst into an ATOMIC FUCKING EXPLOSION!!! And it’s inside a square, like they just slapped a picture of a mushroom cloud on there WHY IS THE BACKGROUND COCA-COLA?!?!?! Did they run out of ideas? Like, “What should we put there? Anybody got any ideas? Anybody?” “Coca-Cola!” “Alright” You know, there is a movie called Hong Kong 97. It came out in ’94, one year before this game That CAN’T be a coincidence, so I’m gonna consider this a movie-based game …just so I can say it has nothing to do with the movie In less than five minutes, the final boss appears: Tong Shau Ping played by Deng Xiaopin who has been transformed into a so-called ultimate weapon What kind of ultimate weapon is THAT?! he’s just a HEAD!! After you kill him, the game continues and loops endlessly So there’s no real ending to the game… …unless MAYBE you kill 1.2 billion people without getting hit once! But who would ever try that? The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually DIED in 1997 [eerie music] the game…. PREDICTED the future! In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China The movie from ’94 forecasts this in the tagline “99 Years of British rule are about to come to an end… Hong Kong will never be the same” The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day and Judgment Day takes place… …in 1997 [dun-dun!] Part of Deng Xiaoping’s ear is sort of cut off Like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear in 1997! The car, I’m willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz in which Princess Diana died in ’97! And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? ’97! And it’s no coincidence all my SURGE protectors were made in China! Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night! ’97! Jackie Chan! Uhh, Rumble in the Bronx… Uhhh… The Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple [gasp!] The Year Steve Jobs returned to APPLE in ’97! The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called “I Love Beijing Tiananmen”, also known as “I Love PEKING Tiananmen” Peking duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing [gasp!] And Scrooge McDUCK had his 50th anniversary in ’97! The game was such a titanic failure [gasp!] TITANIC! The movie from ’97! Why was this game’s sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh… like the NGC 97 Galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda The Princess Andromeda, who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster! Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi [gasp!] The Special Edition of Star Wars in ’97– oh fuck, we’re back again Man, I’m just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle… Like the song that keeps looping! A game that keeps repeating! Maybe it’s all about… a cycle! An endless cycle! Old, shitty games have become new again! The past becomes the future!! Birth and death, on and on, it’s a cycle of life!!! The game is the meaning of life!!!! And the thing that keeps life going… Reproduction… and… food? Which becomes shit The game is fucking shit. There! ♪ [“I Love Beijing Tiananmen” is the meaning of life!] ♪


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