Game Theory: Best Boobs in Gaming


bjbj Episode 31: Boobs Bombshells, Busties,
bouncers, bubbies, bronskies, buttons, bops, boops, bullets, busters, Betty Boops, Big
boppers, Bon bons, bongos, boulders, beanbags, balloons, bebops, billabongs, butterballs,
bumpers, bonkers, boobs. What? Oh, hey sorry. I was just checking out those awful tan lines.
Anyway, hello Internet. Welcome to Game Theory, the show that teaches you important life lessons.
Like last time when we talked about how to use body language to tell if someone is lying
to you. Truly, a useful skill. This week will be no different. We re still practicing tactics
that will help us identify liars, just a different type of liar, and we won t be looking at their
faces to do it (pan down to man chest). The theme today? Natural knockers versus falsified
funbags. Because really, who wouldn t want this ability? Take for instance Ivy Valentine,
Lara Croft, and Mai Shiranui. Truly, they carry around the grandest of Tetons in gaming.
Their titanic tatas seem like natural impossibilities (it s so beautiful), but are we prematurely
assuming they re augmented? And how about the women of Nintendo? Could the perky polygons
of Peach, Zelda, and Samus actually be the doings of Dr. Mario? By the end of this fap-tastic
episode, you will have become a real-life Lens of Truth, able to identify who s sporting
a silicone set and whose humdingers are 100% homegrown. Now, identifying the difference
between an organic cantaloupe and a lab-grown casaba can be quite the challenge, especially
since push-up bras, padding, and implants have all gotten considerably better in recent
years. Science, changing the world for the better. There is one easy way to tell, though,
and that s by touching them. Pumped up papayas will always look and feel harder than a natural
breast. Sadly, though, this isn t an option for us since 1) we re talking about virtual
women and 2) we re gamers bragging about our high score in Burgertime isn t getting us
any closer to unlocking that particular Baldur s Gate. So, in life and in games, we are left
to judge by what we see. So what are we looking for? Mai Shiranui from King of Fighters will
show us everything we need to know. Mai serves as a great tutorial for this week because
she, being a strong, independent, and progressive woman, leaves her breasts unfettered. In other
words, her sweet chariots swing low. And this is our first major indication that Mai s melons
are au naturale. You see, real breasts respond to a woman s movement. When walking, they
bounce, when laying down, they flop to the side, and, when bending over, they respond
to gravity, becoming more conical. Fake breasts tend not to move as freely and tend to hold
their round shape in all positions. But as we can see here, there s no stopping Mai s
motherload. They do it all, mark time like a pendulum, flop when fatigued, and get so
excited that they just move on their own for no real reason. Real breasts also have a slight
sag in them whereas fake ones appear to defy gravity, forming more of a cliff rather than
a gently sloping hill. For example, compare Mai s chest to gaming s heraldess of the hooha,
Lara Croft and you can clearly see the difference. Lara s rack just floats there three feet from
her body. Either her underwire is a suspension bridge or Lara s got a set of store-bought
silos. Lara s love muffins NEVER move. She could prop herself up on a ledge by them.
Look ma, no hands! Mai s, in the other hand, may be large, but they have a natural fall
to them. Mai s God-given gravitas brings to mind the words a wise woman once spoke: They
are real, and they re spectacular. One final telltale sign is what I ve labeled butt-crack
cleavage. For an example, look at blondie here from the classiest of video games, TnA:
Extreme Beach Volleyball. Oh, does she have a name? With this game, I didn t think it
mattered. Anyway, see how the cleavage here is pushed up and rounded making it appear
as though she has a butt in the middle of her chest? This either means the breasts are
fake or the girls are getting a big push up from underneath, which, in this case, she
is clearly not. To remember this, keep in mind the old adage Butt-crack on chest, inflated
breast. So what about Ivy from Soul Calibur then? Her jumbo-sized jubblies would certainly
seem artificial. And her choice of costume certainly gives us plenty to look at. But
the answer here isn t quite so clear cut. Looking at the gameplay, her chesticles certainly
move around quite a bit. Quite a bit, indeed. And round though they are, a brief look at
her official figurine shows that they do have quite a bit of sag, being slightly larger
at the bottom than the top. What gives it away, though, is this (zoom in on breasts).
I m sure you re asking yourself what we re looking at here because we ve been staring
at Ivy s chest for the last minute of the video. It s the placement of her top. In all
that it reveals, it s what it doesn t reveal that tells us most of all. You see, nipples
always tend to be symmetrical and point in the same direction. Botched boob jobs leave
them pointing in different directions. Now look at Ivy’s chest. Where are her nipples?
Now, let me take a moment here to reflect on what I ve just asked. I m about to play
Pin the Nipple on the Boobie all in an effort to determine if a virtual woman has fake breasts.
I just wanted to acknowledge the sheer absurdity of this moment. Digression over. Looking at
these diagrams, if her nipples are here, they ll point in the same direction, making them
anatomically correct, but they ll also be absurdly high and unusually small for her
breast size. In other words, freakish flapjacks. That means the nipples must be located here,
off-center and pointing in completely opposite directions, which would only happen after
implants. For as realistically as they behave and as good as they look, leave them covered
because Ivy s umlauts are unnatural. Before we tackle the women of Nintendo, let s put
our knowledge to use by playing a game I like to call, Spot that Implant. I show you a rack,
you determine its realness. Obvious right? Heidi Montag here has a severe case of butt-crack
cleavage. Sorry Heidi, The Hills are a hoax. Lil Kim here is all grown up and not afraid
to show it. But her pasty-covered peeper is clearly pulling an Elphaba and defying gravity.
Fake. Supersize me indeed. Maxi Mounds here measures in at a size 42JJ. Sheyla Hershey,
28-year old Texan housewife, at 38KKK. I don t even know what that means. But I do know
that neither set of gargantuas sag. Ms. Mounds and Ms. Hershey, besides sharing candy bar
names, have also been fighting over the World Record for largest artificial breasts. Finally,
we come to Norma Stitz, cup size 102 triple Z, world record holder for the largest natural
breasts on the planet. Weighing in at 56 pounds each, she doesn t wear bras. She wears cranes.
Norma Stitz, largest ti Which segues nicely to gaming s most famous female trio, the modest
mounds of Zelda, Samus, and Peach. Surely Nintendo, with its high moral standard and
squeaky clean image has allowed its tastefully tittay-ed women to retain their natural assets,
right? Wrong. All of Nintendo s women Don t believe me? Here s the evidence. Exhibit
A: Their breasts don t move. Ever. I don t care how tight your latex is, Zero Suit Sammy,
while you re smashing brothers, your sisters should be swaying. But just because Nintendo
doesn t believe in jiggle physics doesn t automatically mean they endorse artificial
airbags. So we need more evidence. And that s where it starts to get hard If it hasn t
gotten there already *rimshot* The ladies are so well-covered and pleasantly proportioned,
it s hard to judge using the other telltale signs we ve talked about today. Which means
I have to pull out my secret weapon MATH. The average distance between a woman s nipples
and her chin is 10 inches. As you get taller, this should increase. If it s significantly
less, either you have a set of falsies or your Wonderbra is more of a Miraclebra. So
how do you test the measurements of these virtual maidens? Let me explain. The heights
of Peach and Zelda, in my research, have never actually been defined. However, in the Player
s Guide to Super Metroid, Samus is listed at 6 . Using a highly complicated mathematical
technique I call proportions, I was able to calculate that Peach is 5 and Zelda stands
at an Amazonian 6 . The average female height is about 5 , so all three are significantly
taller, meaning that their chin-to-nipple distance, if sporting real breasts, should
trend greater than 10 inches. Ivy, for example, who is 5 , locks in at 11 inches when her
nipples are assumed to be in a real position. Samus and Zelda both lock in at around 8.5
inches. Peach, who, I remind you is the shortest, has a chin-nipple distance of 6.6 inches,
meaning she either has no neck or a boosted pair of bosomses. So what have we really learned
today? Only this: A boob in the hand is worth two on the screen. Oh, and gamers are pervs.
Anyway, it s just a theory. A Game Theory. I need a cold shower. hF/d hMlx h/JU h/JU
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