-I love “Game of Thrones.”
What I love even more is reading my friend
Leslie Jones live tweet it as it airs. I’m with Leslie now. She was too sick
to live tweet it on Sunday. I haven’t seen the episode yet. We’re gonna watch it together
-This is episode two of “Game of Jones.” -Whoo!
[ Light laughter ] -Okay, you know you got
to watch the beginning ’cause you know they got
Casterly Rock up in the beginning. -I wouldn’t have even known that
if you hadn’t pointed it out. -Yeah, but you —
you got to notice that. They’re doing
all the kingdoms, man. -You are watching the show on
another level than I’m watching. -Because I am “Game of Thrones,”
homey. -When it comes
to “Game of Thrones,” this is where you are
the most like a young, nerdy, white 12-year-old. [ Laughter ] -Oh, yeah, here we go, baby!
-“Thrones.” How do you feel about
Jamie Lannister these days? -Man, I feel like he
a one-arm bandit right now. That’s what I feel like,
Mr. Goldfinger. Yo, but this is gangster
right here. -Bronn?
-Bronn is the gangster, yo. Bronn is the dude that, like,
in the hood that knows where all
of the $1 cigarettes is, you know what I’m saying?
[ Laughter ] -It’s not a castle. -How about that one? -Where would Queen Leslie
want her castle? Oh, Compton.
[ Light laughter ] That’s the only way to have
a castle, is in Compton. -Would you give it
a fancy name? You couldn’t just call it
Compton Castle. What would you call it? -I literally would call it
the Compton Castle. That is exactly
what I would call it. [ Laughter ] -I would have stopped
that dagger with my own heart. -I feel like we talked
about this last time. You would not have
romanced with Littlefinger. -I didn’t say that.
I do believe that I said I still would do it
with Littlefinger, but — -Okay.
I would just have to watch him the whole time.
[ Light laughter ] -With the lights on?
-Yeah, I couldn’t have my eyes closed in passion. It’d have to be open
the whole time, like — And Bran, they need to really
just get a blood test on him because I just think he high.
[ Light laughter ] -I almost died for you. -That’s the look
that every man gives me when I’m standing there
in front of them going, “Why?! Why you can’t text me back?” -They give you Bran face?
-They give me Bran face. Give me Bran face like,
“I’m the three-eyed raven.” [ Light laughter ]
-That’s why he didn’t text? So you’ve dated
multiple three-eyed ravens. -All of them was
three-eyed ravens. I think one of them
was a crow, though. Yeah! This is what I’m talking about,
-What? What’s this reaction? -Oh, yes, baby!
-Oh, I see. -Arya!
-Arya. -Arya is a warrior. -She’s coming home.
-She’s coming home, baby. They all together, homey. -Is this gonna be
emotionally rewarding? -It’s gonna be
emotionally rewarding, but I just have to say, this is definitely not
a black family. [ Light laughter ] -Wait, what’s the difference? -Okay, first of all,
Bran’s home. Arya’s home. Nobody wants to make
no macaroni and cheese? I’m saying nobody wants
to get together and have some chicken and ribs
and stuff. Littlefinger can’t get
no hamburger buns, you know what I’m saying? Come on, this a reunion!
-[ Laughing ] Yeah, I guess. -As soon as the family come in,
you have — ♪ Family reunion ♪ ♪ It’s a family reunion ♪ See, they supposed
to be rolling in there. They supposed to have,
like, a deejay. They’re supposed to have, like,
some bench tables set up. People are supposed
to be, you know, “Hey, Sansa! And, Arya, Bran is home!” -You shouldn’t have run
from the guards. -I didn’t run. You need better guards. -And, too, they acting
like they don’t know each other because, like, sisters,
I’d be like, “Girl! And then what happened
with the Bolton boy. I mean, I’m telling you,
he raped me every day! He raped me every day!” -They’re playing it too close
to the chest for sisters. -“Let me tell you,
let me tell you, I’d have no face!”
[ Laughter ] Man, Bran.
See, he high. [ Laughter ]
Always out here by the tree, he spaced out.
What is you smoking, Bran? Look, now, let me just say this.
I’m not saying that black people have been
right all the time, but check this out. -They fought together
against their common enemy. -Blue-eyed devils.
[ Light laughter ] Those was white folks! It’s white folks that came out
the cave and they took over! [ Light laughter ] -That’s — do you think that’s
what the White Walkers are? [ Light laughter ] -Blue-eyed devils! Farrakhan was right.
[ Light laughter ] -No,
this is not about Farrakhan. -We took Casterly Rock. -Look at that coat
that Varys got on. Where do you stand
on Varys? -Varys is like the girlfriend
that you don’t know if she’s really your home girl
or not. Because, one minute,
she’s supporting you and got your back,
but then, the next minute, you hear about some bull[bleep] she said to somebody else
about you. But just like she did him,
she needs to let him know that, “Yo, if you ain’t liking
what I’m doing, then you need to come
and tell me like a real boss. Don’t be going behind my back
conspiring and [bleep] because I’m going
to burn your ass.” -So that’s what you would say?
-[ Screaming ] Varys!
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] Are you kidding me? That is Lord Varys, dude. Oh, my God! [ Screaming ] [ Laughter ] Oh, my God! -Varys is going to join us. -Oh, my God!
This is so cool! -Yes! What were you saying
about me? -I was saying that you can’t
trust your ass, but you know [bleep]
that you’re not telling anybody. Like, you know
about the Red Witch. You didn’t tell them
about the Red Witch. -I told Tyrion.
-Oh, my God! You did not tell Daenerys.
[ Light laughter ] -I did.
-Daenerys need to know that. -I told her I didn’t trust her
and she went, “I am in a forgiving mood.”
You’d just forgive her, too. -Okay, Varys. I see you talking
yourself out of this. -Now, you haven’t seen
this episode either. -No.
-You haven’t? -No, I couldn’t —
-But you was there! -Yeah, but I can’t remember. That’s years ago, and I’m
on the same stuff as Bran. [ Laughter ]
-Yes, Bran is high! -Theron, Theron is a coward.
-Yeah. -Theron is a coward. -He’s alive. -He only alive
’cause he’s a coward. I don’t care
if you ain’t got no [bleep] You did wrong! -He saved Sansa.
-Sansa saved herself. -No, she didn’t.
-She did! Varys, don’t be coming here
trying to take up with Theron. -All eunuchs stick together. -[ Laughing ] That’s true.
You have to. -Oh, he’s a Eunuch now
because he ain’t got no thing. [ Laughter ]
Look at Theron. Take his ass out.
-Theon, not Theron. -Theron!
-It’s not Da-Do-Ron-Ron. -It’s Theron!
[ Laughter ] -They gave him the “R”
when they took his penis. -Exactly! -The Queen is gone. -Where’d she go?
I missed it. -Where did she go? Exactly.
There’s where she went. -Oh, here we go.
-Oh, okay. -This is what
you’ve been waiting for! -Okay.
-G.O.T. -The time for talk is over.
-G.O.T. don’t let you down. G.O.T. don’t let you down, son! -Didn’t expect it
to smell like that. -Men [bleep] themselves
when they die. -Really? Is that true? They [bleep] themselves? -Well, all of your muscles
would let go, so whatever you’re holding
would just — pbht. -I will not [bleep] myself. I will [bleep] before I die.
[Bleep] [ Laughter ]
I will [bleep] before I die, that’s for sure. Ain’t nobody going
to find no [bleep] on me. -You won’t care.
-I will care! I will come back as a ghost
and be like, “Somebody clean
that [bleep] up!” [ Laughter ] -[ Screaming ] -We can hold them off. -No, you can’t,
because let me explain why you can’t hold them off. [ Roaring ] [ Imitates dragon ] [ Applause ] ♪ Here come the dragon ♪ ♪ Here come the dragon ♪ ♪ Here come the dragon ♪ Yeah, baby! [ Imitates dragon ] [ Laughter ]
Look! Man, if I could ride a dragon. Dracarys! [ Screaming ] [ Roars ] [ Laughter and applause ] Yes, baby! [ Roars ]
[ Laughter ] Burn it up! Burn it up!
Burn it up! Look, the horses is even like,
“I’m getting the [bleep] out of here,
man!” [ Laughter ]
That’s a damn dragon! That’s a damn dragon! Oh, damn.
And you know it. You know Cersei ass going
come up with a damn dragon gun. -Where are you? -And then, when did he get
the training for this? That’s what I want to know. Where do you get the training
to run the dragon machine? I don’t even remember you
in the class, son! [ Screeching ] Whoa!
-No, no, no, no! -No! Ow, right in the kisser!
-Aww. ♪♪ -That’s a dragon, stupid! [ Laughter ] [ Roaring ] Who is the one
that saved him, though? Was it Bronn?
-Bronn? -I just [bleep] myself. [ Laughter ] -Varys, that’s okay
if you don’t have a penis. I still love you.
-Bless you. -But I need to know
what side you’re on, so you need to make that
a little clearer in the next episodes.
Thanks. -What side I’m on?
-Yes! -Who am I with?
-You are with Daenerys, but I don’t know
if you like Daenerys. -These two are going
to work this out. -You don’t, you be saying — -This has been
“Game of Jones.” -You be saying stuff like —
“I don’t know, I don’t know.” I just really feel like there’s
gonna be some kind of part where you gonna get mad
and do something behind her back and I just don’t really
appreciate it because — [ Cheers and applause ]