Brad’s Wife

Brad’s Wife


Sponsored by Dashlane! February 27th 2017 A woman comes home to deliver her husband… some bad news. She has been fired from her job at Cracker Barrel. They gave no notice. They gave no reason. The husband, Brad, embraces her. A tear rolls down her cheek… Brad’s hands tighten into fists. ….11 Years of service…. …He whispers under his breath. “Nanette… fetch me the computer.” (No Brad, wait-) “Annnnnd, send.” “That’ll do it.” With that, he put his arm around Nannette. And they fell asleep together on the couch. A week passes…. It’s Brad’s birthday! “Hey Nannette, has there been any word back yet on why you’re fired?” “This old boy is still storming!” *thunder crashes* She shook her head. “Outrageous!” “Nannette, fetch me the computer again.” “I’m going to make another Facebook post.” Today is my… BIRTHDAY Why did you fire…. My My Ẇ̵̗̜̑͜Í̴͔͌̋͒̍͘F̶̨͔̣̪͖̬̯͍̍̑͂͊͛È̵̞̹̒̊̄͠ Now we wait. (Don’t forget your cake!) Brad squinted his eyes. Made a wish… and blew. He put his arm around Nannette and again they fell asleep together on the couch. But that night as they dreamed something special happened, a miracle of sorts. People started joining in. People saw the post, then semi-sarcastically also began demanding answers. Then more joined in. Then more… The template of the joke was simple and spreadable. Promoting desserts, are we? Brad’s wife used to LOVE desserts! New item on the menu? Brad’s wife would have made it TWICE as good! Today we remember 9/11? Brad’s wife used to love ni- It spread from their Facebook, to their Twitter, to their Instagram to ALL of their social media platforms. But this wasn’t your usual raid by 4chan… This was something different… An army of mostly boomers putting Cracker over the Barrel. It was the moms and dads of Middle America leading the charge. And Brad was there… As the standard bearer. He embraced the meme. He repeated. He demanded. Soon there wasn’t anything Cracker Barrel could post that wouldn’t immediately be turned into a discussion of the plight of poor Nanette. As always, a petition is started and goes nowhere. And once that failed, the calls started rolling in. “Hi, I have a quick question for you guys.” “Yes?” “Why did you guys fire Brad’s wife?” “So, uh, I guess what I’m asking is if you would just go ahead and hire her back..” “Uh, and then we could just pretend like this whole thing didn’t happen.” And what’s a good harassment campaign, without a soundtrack? ♪ You just fired her on.. Brad’s birthdayyy..♪ ♪ Where’s the justice for Brad’s wiffeee? ♪ ♪ If YoU WaNnA hAvE yOuR bReAkFeAsT mAade ♪ (No God, please, No!) Other companies saw this meme, and decided to add fuel to the fire. On social media, they were posting about Brad’s wife. In IRL, they were posting signs promoting Brad’s wife. And that prompted the news to get involved.. More teens are having fuck. H-having– Coverage from People Magazine, The Mirror, Washington Post, 4chan, and many, many, many more. That’s when things really started to spread out into the streets. People made posters, signs, and t-shirts. And they even started visting the restaurant just to ask about Brad’s wife. “Who’s Brad?” “Well Brad’s not important. But his wife, they fired her, after eleven years of service”. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. “After eleven years…” “On his birthday…” “Is that.. I heard about that! That was terrible!” “Yeah, now there’s a wait time in here.” “How long?” “Oh, it’s a long time.” ‘Cause Brad’s wife isn’t here. #JusticeForBrad’sWife Brad could see that things were spiraling out of control. He called on the troops not to harass the local chain. The firing was a corporate decision. But it did little to temper things down. (Grr!) “YoU fIrEd BrAd’s WiFe? YOu ShAlL bE oN fIrE!” So in all this time, Brad still hadn’t heard back from the company. And we feared that we’d never get answers. But one smooth-talker succeeded in getting a few details by pretending to be a manager from the corporate office. And that’s when she spilled the beans. Now, from here, we could’ve just called it a day. They don’t know how to let a joke go. When something is funny, it remains funny to them for YEARS. And that doesn’t spell good news for Cracker Barrel’s social media. So, that’s what the future holds for Cracker Barrel. Years more of #Brad’sWife. Well, there’s good news. It turns out that a lot of those offers by others businesses to hire Brad’s wife weren’t entirely sarcastic. Eleven years of service? Come on in for an interview! Dozens and dozens of REAL offers started rolling in. Suddenly, Brad’s wife had her pick. And she could work.. pretty much anywhere she wanted. You can still visit Cracker Barrel today, and the top comment will still be: Some dumb shit about firing Brad’s wife. Because better than an answer, Brad got his wife a new job. And this old boy could finally rest. The storm… had passed. You go to log in to your internet banking… Invalid password! Hm.. That’s strange. You call your wife… She’s not picking up! You go to send her a DM on Facebook… But you can’t log in! INVALID PASSWORD You go to recover your email… INVALID PASSWORD You try to tweet out for help… INVALID PASSWORD Your computer bursts into flames and you’re trapped in the building! You yell for help, but you’ve FORGOTTEN FORGOTTEN YOU’RE FORGOTTEN YOU’RE PASSWORLD Your body was found several weeks later. Don’t let this happen to you. Get Dashlane, and manage your passwords for free! Easily and securely store your passwords and personal information in Dashlane to log in to current accounts instantly. also there’s a feburary free trial here and it goes to making videos code internet historian for 100% off (BANG!) thanks. (God bless, and stay safe.) uh, I understand some of you were upset last time about the names scrolling to fast, so, slowed down for ya. I hope this is to your liking. Hold on, maybe I can change it to a larger font. Is it, is it better? (No!) What do you mean “jazz it up a bit?” (Ressurect Neil Armstrong!) I’ll put little hearts around it MWAH! (


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